 The magazine of the Melbourne PC User Group Strewth Gary Taylor |
September 33rd 1999 Sunny squalls, Frost clearing, Temp. 4 - 30C
Dear Mother
I'm handwriting this letter because I still cannot get the printer going etc. Hope everyone is well in the village. I did as you said and went to a Swap Meet and bought a computer! No point all you lot sending messages on the Net and my missing out on the electronic revolution? Anyway here's what happened according to my notes and the audio recording I made - promised I'd give you a blow by blow description of the proceedings.
I was at the Swap Meet very early at 11.00 am and just parking and getting in was a pain. Do you realise that nobody actually does swaps? I took along granddad's diamond ring for swapping but couldn't get anyone to even make an offer - they just laughed at me. Even credit cards were shunned. Luckily I had plenty of cash on hand.
Lots of people there, all jostling and blocking my view of the tables and all the computer goodies. After traipsing through the aisles for a few minutes I was baffled. Lots of pretty boxes with strange names: Voodoo Viper, Gigabyte, Diamond Stealth. Not only that, there were small TVs and grey boxes with impressive labels detailing what was available in RAM and Chips - none of it was familiar. You told me you were using a 486. Well I didn't see anything with that number on it.
I was heart-broken and made my way back to the beginning of the aisles. There in front of me was a stall with a big banner saying "Melb PC Computer Club", and "Free Information". I asked if it really did give free information and several of their members asked what problem was troubling my computer.
"None yet - I can't understand all the descriptions and which bit does what and what I need"!
They asked me what I was looking for, what I was going to use the computer for, and how much did I want to spend. Seemed a friendly lot so I admitted I'd never even used a computer and only wanted it to send messages to you over the Internet. Then the fun began! I'll put down my original spellings so you'll see how confused I was.
I was asked if I wanted a new or preloved computer. Dunno. Will I be doing spreadsheets and word-processing. What's them? Will I be getting DeeVee D, or a burner, or scanning? No idea. How much to spend $500 or $1000? I told them I had several thousand dollars with me just in case. They looked stunned.
A bloke with an Abbot's fringe realised what a predicament I was in and sat me down next to him and spent ages telling me about the computer world. Do you realise that computers have a motherboard inside the box and on that board are lots of variables? The old computers had an engine called 286. then 386, 486 and suddenly Pentiums plus Pentium Pro and Celerons and all sorts of silly names. The engines all run at different speeds measured in Megahertz. Told me to forget 486 and any Pentium less than 200 Megahertz. Then there's the memory that processes everything that is happening while the motherboard is operating and this is measured as RAM. There are lots of different types, some with parity, some as DRAMS and 72 pins and so on. He said to go for at least 64 Megabytes of RAM. Then he explained what a megabyte is! It became quite complex because motherboards can eat eight bites at a time, or 16 or 32 or even more. And these eatings occur millions of times a second! Not only that, there are different connections called IDE, EISA, USB and other gibberish.
A CD-ROM comes with the machines and these have speeds up to 48 times (times what, he didn't say). This is a sliding tray where those little round disks go and are called software. Judging from the price of some of these CDs, it is cheaper to watch Pay-TV Then there is another memory inside the machine, which stores everything permanently like a filing cabinet: a Hard Drive. These come in many sizes measured in gigabytes, and he suggested I get an 18 gigabyte one so I'd have lots of storage for the new softwares. He went on about video cards but I said I didn't play cards or gamble. Oops! Seems a video card is a flat sheet of electronics that slots into the motherboard and runs the monitor (TV thing). The more memory on the card the better the picture and 16 Megabytes is good.
By this time I was day dreaming and watching the crowds shuffle into the Swap Meet at $3 a head.
"Course," he said, "you'll want a V90 Modem, 56K!" I gasped - and asked for a translation. "Then a Windows keyboard and a decent mouse, and a Sound Blaster." I agreed quietly, wondering what windows were in a keyboard.
There was talk about an operating He told me to go outside for a walk and system: Eunuch, Larnux, Win98 or think over all he'd told me. I did - not 2000 or EnTee. "Forget Dos and forgetting to get my hand "stamped" at Workgroups, they're obsolete!" By now the exit so I could get back in without I was deeply in the mud and I asked him if I could just buy a computer to speak to Mam.
"Come on, I'll take you round to see all these bits and pieces and a few complete assemblies." Amazing! I saw floppies and RAM and Towers and softwares for everything. At last we stopped before real computers - starting at $850 for 64 MB of RAM, running at 333 MHz 6.2 GB Hard Drive, 48xCD-ROM, 15-inch monitor etc. going up to $1700 for the best. "Don't forget to add extra for a printer plus cable! And ask for the disks for the operating system!"
"Any guarantee with them? How about training courses? Who sets it up when I get it home?" My mind was filled with fear and queries.
I went back to his stand and contemplated what I was letting myself in for. The Club had the Internet running on their computer, so I asked if they would show me how it worked. Ten minutes later I was hooked - they even sent you that e-mail on my behalf saying that I was well and looked forward to messaging you next week.
He told me to go outside for a walk and think over all he'd told me. I did - not forgetting to get my hand "stamped" at the exit so I could get back in without paying again.
Took an hour to make a decision. I came back to the Melb PC stand and declared that I was going to join AND buy a computer that very same day! I bought a complete package and struggled with it to my car - parked way out in the sticks. Huge boxes filled with polystyrene-foam wrapping and computer bits. Once home I emptied all the boxes but couldn't find any manuals or instructions. I rang my new friend that evening and was told the instructions are on the CD that I should play once the computer is working. Help!
He called around the next day and showed me where all the cables plugged in. I made a for future running on their computer, so I asked if reference! Then we switched on the power. "Get yourself a surge protector sometime." A what? The monitor brightened and blue flags waved around. Then it all froze and nothing moved.
"Go on, click Start."
I did and he said, "the left mouse unless I say otherwise!"
Immediately things began to happen. Two hours later I was typing out letters to you and saving them somewhere inside a Hard Drive. I could not print them because I had the wrong drivers or something, but that will be fixed soon.
"What about the Internet?"
"Aha! You must get an ISP for that!"
By Friday I had one of these ISPs or Internet Service Providers and my friend showed me how to set it all up. So you see, Mother, I can send e-mails now, but I still have to wait for my printer so I can send you the first letters I wrote on my Pentium. My friend reckons it's quicker to import the files into the e-mail, but I have to learn how to do all these marvellous things. I'm writing snail mail so you can get the personal touch and save the lovely stamps for my nieces.
There is a great game on my computer called Solitaire - do you play it too? Will send more letters to you as I learn all the tricky bits.
With Love,
Lord Hubcap de Hallam
Reprinted from the February 2000 issue of PC Update, the magazine of Melbourne PC User Group, Australia
