The magazine of the Melbourne PC User Group Heeeelp? Tom Coleman |
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Tom Coleman tells some stories from his many years as a Dial Help volunteer |
Please understand that some names have been removed to protect the guilty. All
of the incidents mentioned are true. Some license has been taken with the
dialogue in the interests of brevity.
You may know, I have been tied in to "Dial Help" for best part of twenty years
now. Over that time I have worn various hats, mostly to do with hardware and
configuration and setup. This is probably because I am not much good at
programs. There are too many of them. If I were to be a whiz at PowerPoint then
I would probably be hopeless at Excel. As it is I am hopeless at all of them. I
don't mind.
I have managed to accumulate a store of troubleshooting techniques over the
years, as this is what I do for a living. I do not often see a computer that is
working and trouble free. No one ever calls me out to show off their smooth
running computer. Nor do I get calls from people who don't have a problem. The
result of this is that I have a pretty bad attitude towards computers and regard
computer ownership as a social dysfunction. Let me give you an example.
| Dial Help Caller | I have a problem with my mouse. It is a good mouse but it is not working properly. |
| Me | What does it do, or not do? |
| Dial Help Caller | It moves erratically. |
| Me | Have you tried cleaning the rollers inside? |
| Dial Help Caller | Yes |
| Me | Try swapping the mouse for another one |
| [ Short delay while mouse is swapped.] | |
| Me | Did that fix it? |
| Dial Help Caller | Yes but I knew that. There is nothing wrong with my mouse. It just doesn't work properly. Otherwise it is a good mouse. |
Over the years I have learned to love people who think like this. We need people
who can think outside the square that everyone else lives in. It keeps is on our
toes.
Obviously the most common problem I hear is IT DOES NOT GO. This covers
everything from losing a file to total power failure.
Curiously another common problem I get is people who have lost their ability to
read or hear English. Here are some examples.
| The dialogue box has a message "PRESS ANY KEY WHEN READY" | |
| Dial Help Caller | What do I do now? |
Here is another
| Me | Type in FDISK /MBR. That's a forward slash that leans in the direction you read. It is the lower case question mark. It is not the one on the row with the numbers which is leaning to the left. It is the one next to the right shift key. |
This command fails when they put in a back slash (\)
Then there are those who love to innovate.
| Dial Help Caller | I have just pressed the reset button. I think it might help |
Part of the same mindset is the caller who does not want advice but wants some
one to talk to while they try whatever comes into their mind. I suspect they
want to have someone to blame if it does not work.
Another innovator is the one who does not tell me what they are doing. I can
hear the keyboard working - but they deny it.
Then there is the one who knows better or lacks the attention span to follow
instructions
| Me | Go to START/SETTINGS/CONTROL PANEL/SYSTEM/DEVICE MANAGER |
| [ Clicks and background noise. ] | |
| Me | Click on the CD icon |
| Dial Help Caller | I can't see one |
| Me | It's near the top of the column |
| Dial Help Caller | There is no column |
| Me | What is on your screen? |
| Dial Help Caller | I have opened NERO |
Not all of these gems come from the caller. I have my moments too. This one was
an epiphany on my road to computing enlightenment. (I have not got there yet.)
| Dial Help Caller | In Windows Explorer, when I spell check a Microsoft Word document the computer reboots. What is my problem? |
| Me | I don't know, but I know how to fix it. |
Isn't it awful?
Another problem arises from my attitude to what people say. It goes like this.
| Dial Help Caller | I am a member of Melb PC. How are you. |
| [ The problem here is that I do not regard that as a question, but as a greeting.] | |
| Me | What can I do for you? |
| Dial Help Caller | Good. Thanks. |
Once in a while I fail to understand the reason for a question.
| Dial Help Caller | Which way does the hard disk rotate? |
| Me | (Guessing) Clockwise in most cases. There may be exceptions. |
Hangs up. Goes to workshop. Takes top off old hard disk to check. Breathes sigh
of relief.
I still wonder why he wanted to know. I should have asked.
At the other end of not knowing is the user who has been computing for the past
five years but never had contact with other users or read anything current. The
result is that they have their own jargon for everything. The opening
conversation goes like this.
| Dial Help Caller | My computer is not starting |
| Me | How far do you get into start up before things go bad? |
| Dial Help Caller | It all seems normal until it starts the blue light phase. |
| Me | What do you mean by the blue light phase? |
| Dial Help Caller | Well the blue light has not worked for months but it is still the same. |
| Me | What is the same? |
| Dial Help Caller | It's not the same but when it does not work then the overlay sequence is shorter and the preview is extended. |
| Me | I am having difficulty understanding what you mean by overlay and preview. |
| Dial Help Caller | The computer is running the opening program but it is not stacking. |
This can go on for some time.
As my fellow Zen philosophers know there are some answers to which there are no
questions.
| Dial Help Caller | Good evening. I am a new user who has just joined Melb PC. I am new to computing and have never used dial help before. However I have this problem but I do not know how to describe it. You probably think it is silly. It is wonderful being able to get help like this. |
| Me | What is your problem? |
| Dial Help Caller | Oh! It has stopped. Thank you so much |
Hangs up. Never to be heard from again.
Once in a while I get a call from someone who wants advice on upgrading.
| Dial Help Caller | I want to dub an English sound track onto a Russian movie. Here is how I plan to do it. Use Speech to text software to write the sound track. Use Russian to English software to translate the written text then use text to speech software to put the soundtrack back onto the movie. What kind of sound system should I use? |
| Me | Your existing sound system should be adequate. |
Reprinted from the April 2004 issue of PC Update, the magazine of Melbourne PC
User Group, Australia
